I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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