there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
