Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
