You can't special order awesome
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
