walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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