Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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