I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
