True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
