i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
