I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So vagazzling was a success
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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