Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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