i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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