Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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