Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
