I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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