it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
