Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i love accidental penises.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
