So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
