god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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