man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
