She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
