There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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