Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
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