I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
