last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
