Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
