i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
