the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
