They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
