I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
