my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
