Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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