I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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