I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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