You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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