Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
don't judge my taste in strippers
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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