Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
