Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
