Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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