dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
As shirtless as possible
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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