1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
