The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
