remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
