Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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