Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Randomize