I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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