She announced her abortion via fbk
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
