When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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