I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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