well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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