I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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