you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
