there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
