Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
