I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
