I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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