capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
