sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
