Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
