They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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