too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
