You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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